More on Giving Advice
March 5, 2007
Advice is a curious thing. People often ask for advice when they don't want it, and, as George Bernard Shaw pointed out, "They often give advice that they rarely or never follow themselves."
People also ask for advice when they want approval for an action they've already decided upon. Erica Jong put it this way in her 1977 book How to Save Your Own Life : "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
In my experience, most people ask for advice when they've already figured out - sometimes unconsciously - that they need to make a change. Oftentimes, they've even recognized what that change should be. But they're not sure. So they go to someone whose judgment they trust or to someone whose credentials impress them.
I keep this in mind when I give advice.
Here's an example ...
Yesterday, I had lunch with a young man who is trying to decide whether he should marry a long-term girlfriend. He gave me the pros and cons.
I said, "It's clear to me that you know the aspect of her personality that concerns you will never change. And you know that if you try to change it, you both will be frustrated. Imagine yourself with her 20 years from now. Imagine her being essentially the same, because she will be. Now imagine yourself loving her, defects and all. Could you do that?"
He said, "Yes, but ..."
I said, "It will take work, and it sounds like you are not sure you want to be putting in that work over a lifetime, right?"
He agreed.
"But you already know that, don't you?"
He said yes.
"You will have to work hard on any relationship, even with someone who seems perfect when you begin. My advice is to realize that your marriage will take work regardless. Get that deep into your heart. Once you do that, either decision will work for you. But you already know that deep down inside, don't you?"
He said he did ... and added that talking it over with me made him feel better about it.
When you let people know that they already have the answer, you empower them. And people need to feel that power to make tough decisions.
posted by M. Masterson @ 1:41 PM,
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